You all have them… The boss or co-worker that gets you so spun up in your emotions that you forget who you are and start acting in a way that has no alignment to your character. Half the time you don’t even know why you get so spun up, you just know that in their presence, your best thinking goes right out the window. You feel your power sliding out from under you while the confidence and competence start to falter. Maybe it’s the blatantly snide or belittling comments that they make or maybe it’s just the subtle undertone of them pointing out exactly where you fall short. It really doesn’t matter how it’s delivered as much as it does how you respond.
Unfortunately, most of you engage with a hijacked brain that feeds right into the fear and intimidation that is being thrown your way. It becomes all about your ego at that point. You shrink and try not to take up too much space in hopes that you can save face, disconnecting from the conversation. Or alternatively, you get so focused on preserving your ego and proving them wrong that you fight back and resist anything they say. Neither of these is a foundation for showing up at your best.
So what would it look like to rise above all of it?
First, you have to understand that their thoughts and behaviors don’t mean anything about you. They are operating with a hijacked brain, guided by fear or anger. See it for what it is. Pay attention to the thoughts they are giving you. Judgment is a mirror. What does their judgment of you say about the worries they have of themselves.
Second, check in with your values. How can you respond in a way that aligns with who you are at your core and what is most important? If connection and collaboration is important to you, don’t respond by disconnecting from them or the conversation. When you fall out of integrity, the only one suffering in the end will be you.
Third, retain your power and agency over what you decide to accept vs. don’t. Just because they say something, doesn’t make it a fact or suddenly put them in a position of authority to determine characteristics about you. Consciously decide what you choose to believe and in such a way that creates opportunity and moves you forward.
In the words of Michelle Obama, “When they go low, we go high.” Going low is leading by fear and creating divide. When you go high, you can have empathy for the inner workings of their human brain. Instead of seeing them as condescending or arrogant, you see the underlying fear behind their remarks. That doesn’t mean that you allow it and don’t say anything. In some situations, going high could mean a response such as:
“I see your frustration and desire to influence the way people view our department. I too want us to be a trusted resource for the organization. That being said, I will no longer engage in conversations that aren’t constructive or respectful. Please know that from now on, I will be exiting the conversation until a time when we can talk professionally about a way forward.”
Going high is not about expecting them to change, nor is it directing your anger at them. It’s about you taking a deep breath, consciously choosing your direction with a clear mind and operating in full alignment with your integrity.