Are you a manager or a leader? I recently overheard a mentor of mine talking about the difference and simply put, referring to managers as a director of the work and leaders an influencer of the people. But leading the work would be so much easier and more tangible than leading humans. Leading humans is hard. Their brains bring so much complexity to the environment and when added to our own mental chatter, work can be exhausting. We spend way too much time debating how to interact with someone whom we perceive has issues with us or our work, focusing on the next thing instead of being in the moment, and getting frustrated with behaviors that impede us from acting with speed.
Because of this, today’s topic is around three leadership characteristics that not only help these situations but many others when put into practice as foundational elements of your role as a leader.
Leaders Listen
What do most people do when they believe someone has issues with them? They get defensive or resistant to the other person. I can confirm this one firsthand. At one of my previous jobs, there was someone on my team who for some reason didn’t care for me. He would talk behind my back and resist my ideas in meetings. I responded in kind by resisting any of his thoughts and it made the group dynamics difficult to say the least. It didn’t matter how great his idea was, I stopped listening when he talked and started forming my counter to whatever he was saying. Instead of creating an environment where we were both operating at our best by building on what could work, we continued to stifle each other. The fix? Listening. Instead of closing myself off, I could come to those discussions with a curious mind and agreed to listen for even the tiny 5% of his idea that I could get onboard with, then build from there. Why? Because that’s what leaders do. Instead of closing ourselves off, we listen.
Leaders Connect
I once had a boss who literally nodded off during our 1:1. It was the same environment where I would have weekly meetings with his peer who would check email during our weekly meetings, asking me to repeat my questions requiring his decisions multiple times. Unfortunately the culture was such that we had all apparently forgotten our purpose as leaders. Leaders connect with the people who work for and with them. Connection is a two-way street. It’s not talking at someone, it’s talking with them. It’s being fully present in the moment, not thinking about your “to do” list, planning what you will say in your next meeting or counting the hours until the weekend. You know what it feels like to fully connect with someone when you feel like you are the only person in the room when you are interacting. I have worked for leaders like that and would literally do just about anything for them. Instead of mentally zoning out, leaders connect.
Leaders teach others how to interact with them
Whether it’s someone pinging you incessantly in a meeting or sending you an email and expecting a reply within 30 minutes without understanding it’s buried under 200 more urgent items, people will consistently come at you with information, questions or requests for your involvement. Often in coaching sessions, my clients will express their frustration with the expectations or behaviors of others. Why does their boss continue giving them work even though they’ve said they are really busy? Because they keep doing it anyway. Why does someone on their team keep messaging them behind the scenes during a meeting, even when it’s disruptive? Because they keep responding. Why do people that are supported by others keep coming to them with questions even when they direct them to the other person for the future? Because they keep answering. It’s easy to get stuck in default patterns, convincing yourself that you must respond in the way people are expecting. Leaders don’t do that. They teach others how best to interact with them. If you don’t want to be interrupted, put yourself on Do Not Disturb. If you no longer support a certain group of people, forward their questions to the person who does and ask them to respond. If your boss is giving you more work than you can sanely handle, lead a discussion to revisit the purpose of your role and get back to the basics on expectations so you can prioritize against that list. Leaders don’t passively accept interactions in their current form, instead leaders retain their agency and teach others how to interact with them so everyone’s business objectives can be met together.
How can these three characteristics help you go from responding to the work to influencing those around you? I would love to hear.