We’ve all been there. That place where we know we need to put deadlines and quarterly reviews on the calendar, schedule that planning session, build more downtime into our calendar, or have that tough conversation, but we just haven’t. We tell ourselves we’ll do it when we have time or convince ourselves that at some point in the unknown future it will magically become a priority and present itself in such a way that we don’t have to force it. Sometimes, we even convince ourselves it’s more complicated than it really is and that we don’t really know what to do or how to do it, even when we do.
It’s similar to what many of us see with exercise and weight loss. We desire to change. We know that fueling our body and exercising is critical to our well being, yet when push comes to shove we convince ourselves we don’t have the time in our schedule or don’t know what to do because we hate certain activities. We are stuck in a self image as the person who doesn’t act and struggles with our weight, telling ourselves stories about being lazy or genetically challenged in such a way that our body won’t benefit.
We get so tied to the self image of someone who isn’t taking the action that we don’t step into the image of someone who does.
It’s the same at work. If we are telling ourselves every day that we are conflict averse and not the kind of leader that’s versed at having really tough conversations, that’s the self image we are burning into our brain. It becomes our identification and a sign to our brain that things are “normal”. Then, we think about the tough conversation we need to have and our brain goes into fight or flight.
I can’t do this.
It’s not the right time.
I don’t know what I want to say.
Maybe things aren’t as bad as I thought so I should wait until something obvious happens.
We don’t take action. Instead, we ruminate. So much that it feels like we had the conversation 100 times instead of the once it would take.
In order to get over that hump of not doing, it requires stepping into a self image of someone who does take action. We try to do this by going to the future and imagining who that woman is. We name characteristics of someone we imagine easily having these conversations like directness, courage and confidence. We picture this flawless conversation, devoid of emotion and error. Even the thinking sets off our heart rate and blood pressure as imposter syndrome runs wild, pushing us further away from what needs to be done.
Instead, we can think about who we are as a person right now, inherently. What characteristics are so much a part of us that we will always have them to call upon? We can remind ourselves that no matter where we are in life, we lead with authenticity, growth and connection (or whatever characteristics we inherently identify with). Leading from these characteristics means that we are true to ourselves in relaying information, as it truly is, in order to strengthen the relationship between two people. Even when it’s hard, and all in the spirit of growth for both parties. It’s no longer a “hard” conversation. It’s a natural evolution of who we are, in the fabric of our being, and how we show up in our role today.
That doesn’t mean it’s easy, but we’ve now formed a connection between the task and who we already identify with. Now, we can go to the future and to the person who led with these in mind and came out the other side. Who is she post-conversation? Relieved, supportive of herself, believing in her message and the reasons it was so important to communicate, empathetic of the messiness that had to be waded through in order to come out the other side. We now have a self image that’s a step ahead of where we are, but relatable enough we can take that next step.
If we all took just one small step forward, imagine the possibilities of what we’d create.