About 13 years ago, I was interviewing for a job and the CHRO asked me a question. I don’t recall what it was about, but I was mid answer when he interrupted me, glanced at his watch and stated that I had taken 7 minutes to answer. Apparently that was too long for him. So he asked a followup question, I gave him a very succinct and straightforward answer and he was taken aback. His response was “That wasn’t how I was expecting you to respond”. He clearly had expectations around how I would show up, even within the first few minutes. Those expectations likely had little to do with me and everything to do with his history, background, and previous experiences. They also could have been influenced by how good or bad his day had gone. And yet, I could only derive from this scenario that I must talk too much. So I carried that thought with me for years, allowing it to creep in at vulnerable times and out of the blue when it was entirely inconvenient. Until, I simply tossed it for good.
How did I do that? I’m about to show you.
First, I recognized that I was taking others’ perspectives and translating them into a character flaw. I used to think this was a required practice when you get feedback. But guess what? It’s completely optional! Have you ever paid attention to human communication? Some people talk in detail, some in short clipped sentences and all the shades in between. There is no single “right” way or “right” amount of information to be shared, even among the executive ranks.
I also learned that implementing feedback constructively doesn’t make you feel terrible. What I mean by that is, it really doesn’t matter how the feedback was given to you. Translating it into a thought that makes you feel inadequate or unworthy every time you think it is not helpful for you. If you are going to implement feedback that someone gave you, choose a thought that is empowering.
I am learning to recognize what people need from a conversation.
When I don’t know what someone needs, I give myself permission to ask.
So different from the feeling that comes up with “I talk too much”, which is vague at best anyway. Besides, what exactly is “too much”?
Finally, I looked at who I am, at my best, when I am connecting with someone else. I am authentic, present and engaged. I am not judging my communication style or the amount of information I share because that would take me into my head and cause me to disconnect from the other party. I am in lock step with them. To me, it feels very aligned and peaceful. This feeling is now my own personal measuring stick for determining whether or not I am communicating in alignment with myself.
What negative beliefs are you holding about your ability to communicate? If you choose to implement these tips, let me know how it goes!