One of your co-workers said your department is being pushy and assertive with your points of view. What do you do?
When you start showing up in your full integrity, it can be extremely powerful and people start comparing themselves and getting uncomfortable. In turn, some of their natural response is to weaponize that and use it against you. The same goes for you, sometimes we can take comments like these and beat ourselves up with them. It’s just not helpful.
I recall one of my co-workers saying to me something to the tune of “It’s so fascinating, because most of the time you are this little happy chihuahua and then other times, you turn into a bulldog.” I was a woman working in a male-dominated environment with executives who loved a little sparring. When I used that comment against myself, I made it mean that I shouldn’t rise to the occasion. That it was my job to just be happy and energetic. So then when conflict happened, I would shrink and try to hide. But that wasn’t my job at all. Sometimes I needed to engage when there was conflict and those don’t look the same. Beyonce doesn’t go onstage as herself, she steps into Sasha Fierce. Sometimes leadership requires showing up as a fierce version of yourself, no matter who you are at your natural baseline.
So let me propose a different approach starting with believing that qualities about yourself can be an asset. When I look at it this way, I realize that I am someone who can flex to the occasion. My natural baseline is pretty positive, but if someone wants to spar, I can also step in the ring and hash it out, then go back to baseline pretty seamlessly. That level of resilience is an asset just like having a team that’s assertive because they have already done the thinking necessary to see the future and consciously decide where they need and want to go. So if someone has given you the feedback that your organization is pushy, take the time to stop and say “Hey, I understand that it might seem like I am being pushy about this solution and you might not have the same information I do, so let me explain what I know and how I came to these conclusions so we can be on the same page.” Those few minutes of explaining and bringing people with you will save you time in the long run.
The next time someone gives you feedback that can be perceived as a flaw, take a deep breath (or three) and look at it with discernment:
What are they really saying?
How can they be right (even if it’s only 10%)?
How is this also an asset?
What is the opportunity here?
How might this be calling me to grow?
What do I want to make this mean?
How can I support and accept myself exactly as I am?
Coaching is an excellent way to find the balance between taking and implementing feedback without weaponizing it because sometimes our brains just can’t see around the emotion of it. Rely on your coach to help you discern the facts and decide consciously what to keep and what to toss so you can show up as the best version of yourself and not the lifeless mixture of everyone else’s expectations.