One of my clients came to me this week with the following scenario:
“I’ve been taking on a lot of new work and I hate looking stupid or ignorant. I get so frustrated when I’m asked a question I can’t answer and then I get mad at myself for not being more organized if I happen to find the answer buried in a mountain of notes later on. I’m also nervous about meeting new people, especially when I’ve heard they are difficult to work with. I find myself procrastinating and not reaching out.”
Can you relate? Whether it’s taking on a new project, new job or new team, we all have instances where we are taking over someone else’s work and they don’t operate like we do. So here was my response:
What are you telling yourself about not knowing the answer? The story that you should know everything and you are letting the company down when you don’t, simply isn’t helpful to anyone. Within that story, you show up flustered and scattered, maybe even timid because you are comparing yourself to the person who has all the answers. The result is that you no longer can find what you need either on paper or in your mind because your brain is working overtime in judging yourself instead of opening itself to answers.
How could you change the story so you show up clear minded and focused? Real confidence can be found in not having all the answers but being willing to accept the messy side of the human experience. Be willing to openly admit you don’t have all the answers yet, but you will get them. I remember my very first weeks at IBM as an HR Business Partner. My mentor said to me “Look, every call you get about employee relations issues is going to be very different and if you start guessing just to make yourself look good, you are going to put the company at risk. Until you have been in the role long enough to know your advice is sound, be willing to say that you need to gather some info and call them back with direction. Then call me and we will work through it together.” This was the best advice and because I was consistent with followup and the advice I came back with was solid, no one ever questioned me or got upset because the answers weren’t instant. I was willing to expose the fact I was still a beginner in the role, without making it mean that I was inadequate.
Now, the first step to getting answers is getting clear on the questions you are being asked. That means leaning in to talking to people and not avoiding them when you find your brain procrastinating. I get it, it’s normal to avoid uncomfortable situations. Recognize it when it happens and label it for what it is. Don’t waste your time criticizing yourself for being lazy. It actually has nothing to do with that. In fact, leaning into discomfort may require more time to recharge than usual because it takes more energy. Plan for longer recovery in the form of more sleep, frequent breaks and set downtime.
There is no detour to the human experience. That means a life full of ups and downs and accepting that change equals discomfort. In fact, if it’s not chaotic or uncomfortable, it really isn’t change. It’s merely the status quo. Our brain loves to fight it because it’s naturally wired to avoid discomfort. We tell ourselves it shouldn’t be this way and if we were better, we would be able to control things in such a way that discomfort doesn’t happen. That’s a lie. Discomfort is inevitable. So accept it as a part of the human experience and lean into all that it has to offer, even when it feels like riding a roller coaster.