It’s so hard for moms to balance work and kids. As managers, we want to be part of the solution, not the problem and yet, at what cost? Do we focus on what is done and not the how? What happens when someone physically has to be present in order to achieve results? Do we give up on business results altogether?
This was a problem long before the pandemic, although the most recent years are shedding a light on it more brightly than in the past. I can think of my own struggles at being in a dual career family, while going through significant family stuff. When my oldest was three, he came home with a letter saying that he had failed the hearing screening at daycare. That kicked off a series of appointments that felt like it had taken over our schedule for about six months following that letter. I was lucky enough to have a compassionate boss that stuck to the philosophy of “I don’t care when you do your work, as long as you get it done, so do whatever you need.” That meant working in the lobby while he went through three to four hour long assessments, working in the cracks of the day between appointments or catching up late at night or on the weekends.
The key to my situation is that I worked in an environment with very clear results and expectations. There was no question about how my success was measured and whether or not I was falling behind or not as a result of my flexible work schedule, making it easy for both my manager and I to understand.
So what happens when you have a situation that started out as a few one-off requests for time off or modified schedules, but quickly escalated?
The first thing that I commonly see in my clients is the desire to make someone else feel better through their actions. It’s important to remember that while you can make things easier for someone by giving them flexibility, you can’t control the way they feel. Emotional adulthood teaches us that each person is responsible for their own feelings based upon their own interpretation of life’s events. Anytime you find yourself trying to impact their emotions and responses to life’s circumstances through your actions, it’s a great sign that you need to step back, take a breath and reset.
Next, it’s separating the story from the necessary facts. When clients come to me, they tend to have a lot of story putting weight into their decisions:
But she’s a single mom.
She grew up in a really hard environment.
She doesn’t have family support with the kids.
Her husband doesn’t really help her.
When making management decisions, we have to separate that and look solely at the facts of the situation:
What are the results and expectations of the role?
Have these been communicated to the employee?
What has been delivered or achieved?
Is there a gap?
If you answered “No, these haven’t been communicated”, that is your starting point and it’s time for a reboot. Communicate to them that you’ve come to realize that the results and expectations are unclear and you are making sure that you are both on the same page going forward. Allow them opportunity to achieve these newly defined results and expectations before talking about the current gaps in their performance.
If that’s already been made clear, it’s an opportunity to check in, let them know what you are seeing and how that contrasts from what is expected. Document the conversation so you are both on the same page and continue to revisit the status regularly in your 1:1’s. If it feels uncomfortable, it’s time to revisit the structure of your discussions. Performance feedback should be a regular part of your conversations.
Finally, remember that holding someone accountable for delivering results, even when they are facing hardships, doesn’t mean you lack compassion. In fact, as parents, we know that fierce compassion means sometimes we have to set boundaries and clearly articulate to our children when their behavior crosses a line of consequence. It’s how they learn. The same can be said for the work environment. Compassion says that we communicate these boundaries and the impact very clearly, so it’s not a surprise to them when we do enforce it. Better to find out with notice than to go into a work environment where it isn’t made clear and for them to end up unexpectedly without a job, which happens way too often. We can do better.
If you find yourself spinning in doubt about a certain situation, resenting yourself or someone else, not meeting business results and/or not knowing where to draw the line, I would love to coach you. Set up your free consultation here.