I know many of you reading this are high achievers, so when you find yourselves procrastinating or avoiding something like a tough conversation with an employee, it can be quite perplexing. After all, you’re the girl who goes after what she wants, gets things done, and can always be counted on to take action. How does procrastination even play a role in that? So you start questioning yourself with judgement.
What is wrong with me? Why can’t I just get this done?
And then you move on to subtle pressure.
I just can’t seem to get motivated. I should really get that over with.
And then when the subtle pressure doesn’t motivate you, you start to lay it on thick.
I don’t even deserve to be here. I don’t know why anyone thought I could manage people.
I know this is going to come back to bite me.
And then an interesting thing happens. Instead of having the conversation and letting go of the self-criticism and shame, you avoid it altogether by convincing yourself it isn’t necessary.
Someone needs to keep the peace around here. It’s really nothing. I’m sure they won’t do it again.
So the end result is a sound loop in your brain moving from guilt and shame for the conversation you never had to one of trying to convince yourself that it’s really fine and peace can be restored. It plays on repeat over and over until eventually fading or the same problem (or another one like it) bubbles up again. And when it does, it starts to chip away at your identity.
I avoided it last time, so I will probably do it again. I’ll be surprised if I have the guts to address it this time.
Many leaders get to where they are because they are masters of creating calm of chaos. They get things done, are flexible and adaptable while having a tendency to be relatively positive and pleasant. They identify with being action oriented until the unpleasantness of a task pushes them so far out of their comfort zone that they start avoiding it altogether. And when they start to question their identity because their actions no longer align, the imposter syndrome kicks in along with a dose of anxiety, doubt, fear and resentment. And suddenly they are the problem.
If this is happening to you, I want you to step back and consider a different perspective. What if you haven’t lost your abilities at all and instead, you see that you’ve taken one of your super powers and simply overused it?
Those abilities to create peace and harmony, stay flexible and adaptable, and retain a positive attitude towards others are all part of your super power as a leader. When conflict happens or something uncomfortable pops up like an employee performance issue, it has to be dealt with, even if your brain tries to convince you that it will rock the boat. Just because you avoid it, doesn’t mean it will go away. Instead, it will fester and expand. You start to lose trust in yourself, others start to lose trust in you, and the guilt and shame continue to hum in the background every time things get a little difficult.
Now is the best time to stop the cycle. The fact that you want to avoid it doesn’t have to be a problem. You can simply acknowledge that it is your brain’s attempt at keeping the peace and act anyway with the knowledge that addressing it is going to be much more productive in the long run. If it brings up any negative emotions like anger or frustration, allow them in. Resisting will only make them stronger. Then slowly move into compassion for yourself. This entire process is very human and I can vouch that as an HR leader, I saw it happen all the time with people leaders. You don’t have to beat yourself up about it, it really isn’t helpful to you or anyone else and it’s really not going to motivate you to act.
Then decide how you want to show up to the employee based upon the severity of their actions. Is it from a place of curiousness to better understand what’s behind their behavior? Or is it from a place of strength and confidence that the behavior simply isn’t tolerated? Whatever your position is, understand that your ability to address it is a gift of knowledge for the recipient. That doesn’t mean they will choose to accept it, but it is a gift.
Regardless of how the employee responds, you get to choose how you feel about the discussion. You chose to address something hard. Even if the words didn’t come out perfectly, the discussion was had. You pushed beyond your comfort zone and will be better for it next time, because I can guarantee there will be a next time, even if it’s a different employee.
Are you struggling with tough discussions in your role as a leader? I would love to coach you. Set up your free consultation here.